Regretful Thinking….
People drift in and out of our lives, some leaving only a vague memory of a distant time; while others leave an everlasting impression that we feel no matter how far away we are from them.
You, like me (and everyone else) have been on the losing end of friendships and even some family relationships gone awry. Sometimes by our own making or choosing and other times for reasons the other party keeps to themselves. Either way I am always left with my head hung low, feeling an inch shorter and pounds heavier over losing someone so dear to me. (Thus my excuse for being very short and fat now! Ha! )
Of course there are those who decide to leave with their last words, a sort of fair well passage for them, colorfully spoken like a sailor with sporadic name calling and their fist pumping with the middle finger waving proud. These always remind me of a saying that an old uncle I had would say at a time like that; “No love lost.”
Still, I can think of at least a handful of people whom I could have never seen my life without and yet here I sit, having not spoken with them or even seen them in months or even years. I have at one time or another, for each, sat back and wondered if there was anything I could have done differently to prevent their departure. Regretfully have always found several occasions I could have made better decisions.
I could have held my tongue when I knew that my words were most often only for me to be right. I could have stopped myself from blurting out hateful things in spite of their already wounded feelings. I could have offered more of myself when they deeply needed a friend. I should have listened to their problems for the 1,000th time instead of cutting them off short for my own selfish/or sometimes unselfish reasons. I should have offered my hand when they fell and kept it out until they reached for it. I could have answered the phone when they called instead of hitting ignore. There are many more instances of I could have, I should have, but I didn’t.
In my new (very new, less than a week old!) found internal/external journey I pondered on this for a while and realized, no amount of acknowledgement now would do any good for the relationships that have since ended. I could sit here and regret past decisions and harass myself over what I realized in hindsight, which is what I have always done. But what I should do is look at the relationships I have today and decide not to repeat my own mistakes. I will choose to look back on those times and smile at the great memories, frown at the mistakes made, and cherish the experiences.
So here I pledge from now on: No more Regretful Thinking.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
In ten years...
In ten years, I will be 40. The same age my parents were when they got divorced. I will have a 21 yr old, 18 yr old, and a 15 yr old. And if everything you learn about in this blog goes right I will have 520 happy days to look back on...
Do you know how fast 10 years goes by? Do you remember how time stopped when you got the letter, email, or phone call about your 10 year High School Reunion? It’s a real slap in the face to realize 10 years have passed without your knowledge or consent. Without warning one more day, week, month passes right before our eyes and each time we act surprised.
As we grow we ache to be older, running passed each milestone sure that the next one will be everything (and more) that we dreamed of. Disappointment comes frequent as children but with less of a long term impact. Now, as an adult, we anticipate and even give up at the sight of another disappointing blow of reality. Sometimes I feel like I’m standing in the middle of lunch hour traffic just waiting for all the lights to turn green and each car clip me till there is nothing left. Of course there are times I feel like I could be pushed off the highest cliff and by some miracle I would sprout wings and float down bellow unscathed. Usually I feel more like the lunch hour traffic scenario than I do a bird though.
Today I woke up like any other Sunday, mentally going through all the to-do lists and worries I have bouncing around my head. You know the lists I mean, the ones that never seem to be around when you need them and then play peek-a-boo just as you’re trying to go to sleep. And the useless worries that begin with “What if”. Yeah, I spend most my mornings silently cursing those little devils, but today I just decided to lie here and ignore it all. And believe it or not, nothing happened.
Meteors didn’t hurl towards my house, lava didn’t bubble up from under my bed and threaten to wipe me off the face of the earth for not giving in to the urge to worry. I just simply lay there breathing and briefly relaxing. (Can I get a collective…ahhhh….)
After I was out of bed into the regular routine of getting my children breakfast and making my coffee it dawned on me just how easy it was keeping those worries at bay. Relishing in my new found freedom I wondered just what other magical powers I had acquired over night. And just like that drinking my lukewarm, too sweet coffee milk and texting a friend; I made a resolution.
Wait! Stop right there! I know what you are thinking; “Its August, not January, heck it’s not even December. This woman’s crazy, EVERYONE knows resolutions are for New Years!” Well the former part of that sentence could be true I tend to be a little crazy, but the latter is far from it.
Who needs to wait for the approaching New Year for a resolution?
Resolutions in general should be made on a daily basis if not more often. To set a resolution though you really need to know what Resolve means. Resolve is a verb and a here are a few different variations of the meaning: a. to deal with successfully b. to clear up c. to find an answer d. to reach a firm decision about.
How many things in your life need you “to deal with successfully”, need to be “cleared up”, need you “to find an answer” for, or you need “to reach a firm decision about.”? My guess is it’s just as many as the rest of us. And let me further say it’s probably not lack of analyzing the situation from every single possible vantage point that is causing you not to reach your resolution.
Resolve is a verb, which requires action and many times a reaction. You must be willing to follow through with the work (four letter word!!) it takes to make a resolution, resolve an issue you are having.
That doesn’t mean you should rush to creating a list of things that need resolving. Heaven knows we have enough lists floating around; both internally and on our counters, computer desks, night stands, vehicles etc. What needs to happen next is you acknowledge you have things that need to be resolved and start working (ugh…WORK… I can’t believe I have to use that word either) on the simple things.
Resolve to be nice to a co-worker or not badger your spouse or partner even when you feel the overwhelming urge to do so. Resolve to let your hair down and enjoy yourself. Resolve to enjoy company, even if the only company you have is yourself. Resolve to travel to that country you've always dreamed of. If that seems unrealistic with the dead end job and all your bills, then resolve to work harder and find a job with more opportunities and save whenever possible, not whenever convenient. Because let’s be honest, when is it EVER convenient to save money??
I resolve to (yes this is where you get to see just how crazy I am) have one happy day a week.
I know what you’re probably thinking. Who on Earth isn’t happy at least one day a week? Well, me. I find myself unhappy almost every day despite the glorious blessings I have in my life. At 30 years old I have yet to manage to have one full day each week to just be happy. Maybe it’s a self loathing aspect or something deeper..but that’s for a later blog.
I resolve to have just one day where I don't give a ____ (insert your favorite naughty word here) about all the worries I usually let drown me on a daily basis. I want to fully enjoy my children 100 percent for one day a week. Don't get me wrong I enjoy my children daily but I want to enjoy them without pretense, without having a conversation with them that ultimately leads me to listening to them speak but not enjoying our conversation because my mind has taken me back down the worry wart lane of bills and other everyday concerns. The exact same goes with my husband.
One day a week I want to be happy, truly joyous. 52 days out of 365 days a year I want to live being happy. Enjoying my life for what it is and not what I want it to be or wish it could be. It may not sound like a lot to you but to me it sounds like paradise. It’s my first resolution, on a journey that I believe will be filled with countless more.
A good friend of mine told me she wants to be inspired daily. I agree with her. What inspires me is often something random and I drift off into my own head and begin to write, internally. Those internal writing sessions are sometime the best writing I ever do. I am not going to let those writing sessions get away from me. From now on when I have the opportunity I will write those down I will, and when I don’t have the opportunity I will make time for it.
I don’t know how much time I have left here and neither do you. (Unless you have a secret that I don't know about???) Either way, we are limited to our time here and with the ones we love, and the ones we don’t love so much. But we are the only ones that limit ourselves from being happy, achieving goals and reaching a resolution.
I resolved today start my own resolution, to write my first blog, to be inspired and let myself inspire others.
What is your resolution?
Do you know how fast 10 years goes by? Do you remember how time stopped when you got the letter, email, or phone call about your 10 year High School Reunion? It’s a real slap in the face to realize 10 years have passed without your knowledge or consent. Without warning one more day, week, month passes right before our eyes and each time we act surprised.
As we grow we ache to be older, running passed each milestone sure that the next one will be everything (and more) that we dreamed of. Disappointment comes frequent as children but with less of a long term impact. Now, as an adult, we anticipate and even give up at the sight of another disappointing blow of reality. Sometimes I feel like I’m standing in the middle of lunch hour traffic just waiting for all the lights to turn green and each car clip me till there is nothing left. Of course there are times I feel like I could be pushed off the highest cliff and by some miracle I would sprout wings and float down bellow unscathed. Usually I feel more like the lunch hour traffic scenario than I do a bird though.
Today I woke up like any other Sunday, mentally going through all the to-do lists and worries I have bouncing around my head. You know the lists I mean, the ones that never seem to be around when you need them and then play peek-a-boo just as you’re trying to go to sleep. And the useless worries that begin with “What if”. Yeah, I spend most my mornings silently cursing those little devils, but today I just decided to lie here and ignore it all. And believe it or not, nothing happened.
Meteors didn’t hurl towards my house, lava didn’t bubble up from under my bed and threaten to wipe me off the face of the earth for not giving in to the urge to worry. I just simply lay there breathing and briefly relaxing. (Can I get a collective…ahhhh….)
After I was out of bed into the regular routine of getting my children breakfast and making my coffee it dawned on me just how easy it was keeping those worries at bay. Relishing in my new found freedom I wondered just what other magical powers I had acquired over night. And just like that drinking my lukewarm, too sweet coffee milk and texting a friend; I made a resolution.
Wait! Stop right there! I know what you are thinking; “Its August, not January, heck it’s not even December. This woman’s crazy, EVERYONE knows resolutions are for New Years!” Well the former part of that sentence could be true I tend to be a little crazy, but the latter is far from it.
Who needs to wait for the approaching New Year for a resolution?
Resolutions in general should be made on a daily basis if not more often. To set a resolution though you really need to know what Resolve means. Resolve is a verb and a here are a few different variations of the meaning: a. to deal with successfully b. to clear up c. to find an answer d. to reach a firm decision about.
How many things in your life need you “to deal with successfully”, need to be “cleared up”, need you “to find an answer” for, or you need “to reach a firm decision about.”? My guess is it’s just as many as the rest of us. And let me further say it’s probably not lack of analyzing the situation from every single possible vantage point that is causing you not to reach your resolution.
Resolve is a verb, which requires action and many times a reaction. You must be willing to follow through with the work (four letter word!!) it takes to make a resolution, resolve an issue you are having.
That doesn’t mean you should rush to creating a list of things that need resolving. Heaven knows we have enough lists floating around; both internally and on our counters, computer desks, night stands, vehicles etc. What needs to happen next is you acknowledge you have things that need to be resolved and start working (ugh…WORK… I can’t believe I have to use that word either) on the simple things.
Resolve to be nice to a co-worker or not badger your spouse or partner even when you feel the overwhelming urge to do so. Resolve to let your hair down and enjoy yourself. Resolve to enjoy company, even if the only company you have is yourself. Resolve to travel to that country you've always dreamed of. If that seems unrealistic with the dead end job and all your bills, then resolve to work harder and find a job with more opportunities and save whenever possible, not whenever convenient. Because let’s be honest, when is it EVER convenient to save money??
I resolve to (yes this is where you get to see just how crazy I am) have one happy day a week.
I know what you’re probably thinking. Who on Earth isn’t happy at least one day a week? Well, me. I find myself unhappy almost every day despite the glorious blessings I have in my life. At 30 years old I have yet to manage to have one full day each week to just be happy. Maybe it’s a self loathing aspect or something deeper..but that’s for a later blog.
I resolve to have just one day where I don't give a ____ (insert your favorite naughty word here) about all the worries I usually let drown me on a daily basis. I want to fully enjoy my children 100 percent for one day a week. Don't get me wrong I enjoy my children daily but I want to enjoy them without pretense, without having a conversation with them that ultimately leads me to listening to them speak but not enjoying our conversation because my mind has taken me back down the worry wart lane of bills and other everyday concerns. The exact same goes with my husband.
One day a week I want to be happy, truly joyous. 52 days out of 365 days a year I want to live being happy. Enjoying my life for what it is and not what I want it to be or wish it could be. It may not sound like a lot to you but to me it sounds like paradise. It’s my first resolution, on a journey that I believe will be filled with countless more.
A good friend of mine told me she wants to be inspired daily. I agree with her. What inspires me is often something random and I drift off into my own head and begin to write, internally. Those internal writing sessions are sometime the best writing I ever do. I am not going to let those writing sessions get away from me. From now on when I have the opportunity I will write those down I will, and when I don’t have the opportunity I will make time for it.
I don’t know how much time I have left here and neither do you. (Unless you have a secret that I don't know about???) Either way, we are limited to our time here and with the ones we love, and the ones we don’t love so much. But we are the only ones that limit ourselves from being happy, achieving goals and reaching a resolution.
I resolved today start my own resolution, to write my first blog, to be inspired and let myself inspire others.
What is your resolution?
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