Not my Dad...

Not my Dad….

I’ve known him since I was 8 yrs old, right around the time your memories start collecting for later use. He's not my Dad but growing up I always wished he was. He's not my Dad but I love him just the same.

I remember a lot from my child hood. Some things I wish I could forget and some I wish would stop fading away. People who once held active rolls in the movie reels in my mind now only look like still images when I think of them. I can’t remember the sound of their voice, their likes or dislikes, the way they said my name, what made them smile, if I ever saw them cry, or how they loved; I only remember a name and a photograph. This is to help me never forget a very special man in my life.

He loves children, but more importantly, children love him. They flock to him once he gets on his knees to speak to them at eye level. I’ve watched as he went in ever so carefully and used his mustache to tickle a little ones neck. The child squealing with laughter runs away looking back to make sure he is following them. Of course he is, he enjoys it as much as they do.

No matter how old you are he always says “come here and let me love on you”. His smiles are genuine, his laughs contagious, his cartoon character voices perfection, and the way he raises his eyes brow tells you he isn’t buying that load you just let dump out of your mouth! He has a way of monopolizing a room like no other. He invented the movie quote game! The man knows his movies and every line in them! He has a story to tell for every occasion and each are worth the time and leaves you laughing in unison with him……

Everything before this point I wrote on August 30^th and couldn’t bring myself to go any further through the tears. I couldn’t imagine a world without him in it. Even though the last 10 years he was not an active player in my life, he never left me. His stories, laughter, phrases, hugs, kisses were always there for me when I needed them.

I don’t think I ever told him how much he really meant to me. I hope he knew.

Since he passed just a couple weeks ago memories have flooded forward despite my trying to hold them back. No amount of spring cleaning or music will stop them from appearing. I don’t wish to lose them but I wish they would respect my very selfish wishes just to sulk in my misery for a while.

I am angry. No, I am pissed. I am confused. I am sad. I am afraid.

I am grieving.

I feel like something is in my chest waiting to burst free but my rib cage is holding it in. If I could only relieve some of the pressure it would be tolerable.

But I can’t and deep down I know I wouldn’t even if I could. I need to feel this loss for him. I need to feel sorry for myself. I lost a wonderful person and his life is worth grieving over.

I don’t know how long I will grieve and neither does anyone else. We each process such a tremendous loss differently. I do wish to honor him regularly by remembering his stories, jokes, voices and funny sayings and share them with others, esp my children.

Going through some old pictures to put on here of Uncle Craig, I found a poem that I wrote 9-14-2002 that I think is very fitting. Despite the fact that it has not been a year since he left us, it still explains so much. I think I will look back in a year from now and find myself feeling exactly this:

YOU ARE NOT HERE

You are not here but your birthday still came

You are not here but the seasons still change

The sun still rises and the moon beams,

The clouds still rain and the trees still sway with the breeze

So many birthdays and season passed while you were here,

Yet all I’ve dwelled on is this past year

This year filled with sorrow, pain and tears

Sorrow- because I know I won’t see you tomorrow

Pain- whenever someone mentions your name

Tears- for all the years I took for granted,

I took for granted that you would always be near

I took for granted that whenever I was in pain all I had to do was call out your name

I took for granted that I would not cry these tears for you, for many, many years

But as I stand here today

The sorrow, pain and tears still streaming down my face;

I smile

I smile because I know you are with me when the sun rises,

I smile because I know you are with me when the moon beams,

I smile because I know you are with me when I watch the trees sway with the breeze

And I smile because I know you will always be with me in my most cherished memories…

For all the times I never said it: I love you Uncle Craig…